DECONSTRUCTING WOMEN AND POWER

I heard Patti Digh say once that we give up our power to the very people who took it away from us in the first place. Who has the authority to grant permission? That depends on your culture and your perception of who's in charge. Mostly in the West, when it comes to kids, parent(s) or the legal guardian has that power and right to justly care, manage and supervise another person in a fair and humane way, where rights are pretty much protected. Yet, in some Eastern cultures where men are traditionally in positions of power and authority have this right, not only over children but also over adult women. I don't believe this is an equitable distribution of power, nor is it a helpful attitude in developing nations where many factors already put women and children at a disadvantage.

Never Judge a Book by Its Cover. Yes, I was born into an Eastern family, but culturally I was raised American, with a values orientation that points West. It's a mindset that favors free will, openness, practicality, self-reliance, directness and healthy competition. No one, I repeat, no one, has the authority to lord over me and treat me like their property. I am not chattel. No one owns me. Not my father. Not my dear husband and certainly not my brothers. I may look "Arab" but that's just skin color and facial features, but that's the "evident culture" that sits above the water line. Deep below, you will find my true colors are "all-American," and that's where the hidden dimensions of culture lie. This is what makes me tick. While we are a composite of personality, country of origin and ethnicity, in a flat world, we don't realize that it's what you can't see: our values, attitudes, perceptions, deep cultural tendencies and expectations -- that are not only taken for granted, they are hugely misunderstood and at the root of misconceptions, bias, and outright conflict.

In Pakistan, although women's rights are largely defined (and derived) by religious and tribal customs, I think tribal customs or traditional practices are to blame for women's inequality. It's no secret according to the actual Islamic principles, not the ones interpreted by power-hungry men, that women have equal rights, but we will never be able to take advantage of those rights unless they are enforced social, politically and economically from the top down. What's behind this power is the notion of the notion of namus (face/honor) is the single most important underlying factor driving their national behavior. It's central to understanding what makes these men tick. They don't want to risk making a bad choice, or looking bad, or being ridiculed for an unmanageable wife and family publicly.

Baby, You Can Drive My Car (and Other Drivers)

Girls are raised according to these dimensions of culture with the expectation of a life that can seem like nothing more than a series of compromises. Yet, like many women around the world, while I'm personally comfortable with assuming the role of family caregiver, I also presume the rights and responsibilities that come with this position: Namely, the right to a just and humane existence along with personal sovereignty and dignity. Being a wife and mother should not be mutually exclusive of human rights.

The roots of this power play between men and women in Pakistan, especially in rural areas, goes back centuries. Women continue to be segregated from men (as in many Eastern cultures). They live in purdah, which means "curtain" in Urdu -- completely separate from men. The only contact they have with men is with members of the immediate family. In these areas, everyday tasks which involve leaving the house, like shopping, are carried out by men. Women's work involves staying behind to clean, cook and raise children. However, many Pakistani women go out to work these days and are increasingly experiencing more levels of equality with men. Life varies dramatically between regions of Pakistan. A more liberal middle class plays an important role in the big cities, where conditions differ greatly from those in rural areas, which are far more traditional. The area in the northwest, bordering Afghanistan, dominated by tribal customs, is extremely conservative and very traditional with a self-styled strict adherence to Islam favored by the Taliban.

In the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, although women were previously forbidden from voting or being elected to political office, King Abdullah declared that women will be able to vote and run in the local elections and be appointed to the Consultative Assembly come 2015. Yet, the most recent act of rebellion came by car. Manal al-Sharif, a women's rights activist from Saudi Arabia helped start a women's right to drive campaign in 2011 because Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that prohibits women from driving. Enabling mobility can only empower women who make up nearly 20 percent of the country's workforce. The World Economic Forum 2009 Global Gender Gap Report ranked Saudi Arabia 130th out of 134 countries for gender parity. It was the only country to score a zero in the category of political empowerment.

The ongoing battle of the sexes is being played out in different stages in different cultures. Each one is working through deeply held-notions of who is in charge and why, by whose authority and at what price. It's not so much the notion of independence (of women) that seems to be at issue with traditional cultures so much as the loss of face (by men) when the power shift happens. Santosh Kalwar said, "a strong gives forgiveness but weak gives permission." My advice to the men who uphold traditional misogynistic practices that were created by and for them is to seek to be advisors, not grantors of permission. Therein lays your power.

It's the kind of power reflected in the upcoming documentary, Sweet Dreams Rwanda. The women depicted are so resilient and powerful. It seems they can deal with the worst situations often without an education or resources, and yet they are able to stand up for themselves to improve their lives and the lives of others -- thus improving the overall health, welfare and economy of their nation. It's a lesson we can learn from for a more just and peaceful world.

DECONSTRUCTING THE FEMALE POLITICIAN IN AMERICAN CULTURE

If the United States empowers American women, where are the women Presidents in America? When Carly Fiorina was questioned about her elect-ability, I couldn’t help but wonder, while Americans believe in female empowerment, where are the empowered women in politics?

The invisible hand of culture may be driving America’s inconsistent attitudes toward women when you consider 63 of 142 nations studied by the World Economic Forum have regularly elected women as head of state, except the United States. Electing a woman president may have less to do with America’s sincere wish for a woman president than our hidden cultural tendencies and expectations. Invisible dimensions such as our beliefs, attitudes, and assumptions that account for how we make decisions; how we communicate and behave.

 Culture is why people do what they do, based on where they live.  Edward Hall said culture hides more than it reveals and strangely enough, what it hides, is most effectively hidden from its owners. While intercultural understanding, a branch of anthropology, has gone from the the field to the boardroom, I'm putting it in the living room for everyone, because knowing what makes you tick is a birthright. 

American politics presents a “president’s paradox”. It’s not that we won’t elect a woman president, we can’t because we are highly “competitive” culture. American is unlike France, Denmark, Britain, India, or the Philippines that have greater “feminine” or “quality of life” tendencies, especially in the context of leadership. Political (and religious) choices are not exactly personal preferences. They are more the result of cultural values, not the cause of them. You may think you are solely responsible for your political (or religious) choices, but in fact those decisions have already been made for you, by the invisible hand of culture.

Culture is the result of a series of historical events that have occurred in a particular geography. For Americans, the events of our past have driven us to be the best, often at the cost of what's best. To be Competitive means striving for the best we can be, or the best there is. This invisible dimension of culture is a key driver in our decision-making process and partly accounts for why a we have yet to elect a woman for president. We may say we support the idea (in theory), but our we can’t close the deal because somewhere, way in the back of our collective cultural unconsciousness, the expectations for a Commander in Chief are of someone perceived to be “tough, assertive, and competitive,” so through no fault of our own, women don’t fit that description. These are just some of culture’s consequences.

When it comes to the invisible forces determining the distribution of emotional roles between the genders, the United States (and Japan, Mexico) falls on the Masculine side of the spectrum where emotional gender roles are clearly distinct. Men are supposed to be assertive, tough, and focused on material success which is the hallmark of competition. We live to work, unlike other cultures. This hidden driver determines how one should feel as a boy or a girl, by the majority of the population so that gender bias may not necessarily be a choice, but an unconscious one we have begun to overcome.

The Masculinity/Femininity cultural indicators explain assertive or modest interactive styles. Women and societies that embody feminine-like qualities are characterized as Feminine when emotional and gender roles overlap: both men and women are supposed to be modest, tender, and concerned with the quality of life. For example, France and Nordic countries tend to fall on the nurturing side of the spectrum; caring for others and providing a social safety net. For them, maintaining a healthy work-life balance and liking what you do (Feminine) is how they measure success compared to the American definition of what it means to be a “winner” or the “best” (Masculine).

Consensus is also a characteristic. For example, France is dialogue culture in contrast to the United States because decisions are made through involvement which explains their historical role in diplomacy. The French language also contained the necessary components for reaching diplomatic consensus, most notably with the use of the third person singular “on”. If there was a crisis, blame was place on neither you nor me, but “on” (someone). They strive for consensus and resolve conflict by compromise and negotiation. The Dutch are known for their long discussions until consensus has been reached.

These cultures embed social safety nets into society and sympathize with the weak, unlike the USA where weakness is viewed with disdain. Americans can seem heartless when it comes to the marginalized, but the invisible hand of culture drives our behavior which accounts for acquiescing to inadequate social policies. Americans expect people to care for themselves and be self-reliant, so they have a relatively low level of social welfare, healthcare, and public services.

Culture is how people solve problems. When the American citizen steps into the voting booth, an instantaneous compatibility switch flips on to scan for a the “Competition” match. Whether it’s Carly Fiorina, Hillary Clinton, or Geraldine Ferraro, it doesn't compute culturally because we cannot suspend disbelief that she’s capable of it despite her fighting stance, or her rhetoric. Although American woman can succeed, they don’t to the extent men do; an inherent, implicit cultural expectation for a higher than average degree of Masculinity from leaders or authority figures.

This cultural expectation is not strictly limited by gender. For example, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders shared similar Feminine perception by voters because "socialists" essentially represent similar values: nurturing, dialoging, consensus, and quality of life. Nowhere could the American voter detect the desired Masculine code in the eminently competent women or Sanders of “winner take all”. We may be a long way off until the high Masculine expectation is lowered. 

As a card-carrying feminist, I've been waiting for a woman in the oval office since Geraldine Ferraro lost the race for vice president in 1984. I'd be remiss if I didn't say I hope (very American) that a woman (or a socialist) will be elected, but I know culture is to blame. I also know culture is a learned behavior, so it can be unlearned, but this takes time. The first step toward solving women's persistent and pervasive inequality is to recognize our existing explanations are inadequate and consider alternatives. In all likelihood, electing a woman has less to do with with gender politics, than it does with the invisible hand of culture that drives our behavior in ways you never imagined.

DECONSTRUCTING THE GIRL EFFECT

Giving women all over the world a voice is empowering in ways we cannot imagine. It fosters the Girl Effect so that when we listen to them, we change their social conditions. This is crucial to solving the most persistent development problems we face in the world today. When we include girls in education, health and economic investment we have a better chance of preventing issues such as child marriage, teen pregnancy, HIV/AIDS and breaking the inter-generational cycle of poverty. Girls can't do this alone though. They need the world to listen to them and invest in their potential.

This is also part of the United Nations Millennium Goals to promote gender equality and empower women to eliminate gender disparity in primary and secondary education. And there is none as valuable as freedom of speech.

Once they are free to speak, and be heard, women and girls can become empowered as described in Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide by husband-and-wife Pulitzer Prize winners Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn who argued that "the key to economic progress in the world lies in unleashing women's potential."

Pakistan is my country of origin and its first female fighter pilot, Ayesha Farooq fought her mother to pursue her dream and realize her potential. She is quoted as saying "In our society most girls don't even think about doing things as flying an aircraft," and I feel very proud of her courage which will have lasting empowering effects for other girls who dare to dream these seemingly impossible dreams. Yet, with these significant social changes, I can't help but wonder, as she is lifted from the intergenerational cycle of silence and powerlessness, what are the cultural implications? In Pakistan or the Eastern Society as I was raised to be quiet and obedient. I couldn't speak my mind or express my opinions because it was considered rude (badtameezi) or aggressive behavior. I was told "girls don't behave like this."

Today, in many cultures, from decision making to shopping, an unmarried woman needs permission from her father; a married women needs permission from her husband; and a widow needs permission from her brother. Many girls also do not have a voice in their own about who they choose to marry and when because they are still subject to the traditional practice of arranged marriage.

I am constantly reminded of this when my women friends and relatives tell me how lucky I am that my husband allows me to have my own career and make my own decisions. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. He's very supportive of me, my decisions, and my career. He's also helpful when it comes to participating fully as a partner in our family so that we can both accomplish our career goals without sacrificing the needs of our family. Since these are only cultural values, they are learned behavior which means they can be unlearned and the cycle of social oppression can be broken.

By comparison, women in the Middle East may undergo the issue more, but they are not alone. After reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg -- in which she examines why women's progress in achieving leadership roles has stalled, explains the root causes, and offers compelling, commonsense solutions that can empower women to achieve their full potential -- This is about women's rights, worldwide. She gave a perspective of what woman are capable of if they are given the chance, and how men can benefit by supporting them in allowing them the right to speak up and be heard. Thirty years after women became 50 percent of the college graduates in the United States, men still hold the vast majority of leadership positions in government and industry. This means that women's voices are still not heard equally in the decisions that most affect our lives. Astonishing.

In 2010, Sheryl gave an electrifying TEDTalk in which she described how women unintentionally hold themselves back in their careers. Her talk, which became a phenomenon and has been viewed more than two million times, encouraged women to "sit at the table," seek challenges, take risks, and pursue their goals with gusto.

DECONSTRUCTING FEMALE PAKISTANI IDENTITY

Maybe I should be fearful. Heck, I was born and raised in Pakistan. To some, that's reason enough to be afraid, but I accept that in a post 9/11 America, my country conjures up all kinds of misconceptions and contradictions. To be fair though, what country is without them? What if I told you that Pakistan the most urbanized country in Asia? Or that English is the official language of business? Would you still be fearful of Pakistan or me for that matter?

I am a walking contradiction, but isn't the globalized world all about turning old notions upside down? I credit much of my fearlessness to being educated at a boarding school where I was exposed to the Western value of independence. If independence is one of the key dimensions of the Western mindset, then fearlessness is the byproduct. I am also the result of an utter yin-yang upbringing that was both rich in traditional Eastern values and progressive optimism, thanks to my parents, who were visionaries, despite their generation and beliefs. They believed I would benefit from a Western-style education. So in 1974, I was sent to St. Deny's all-girls Christian boarding school run by the British Missionary Group of Himalayan Schools. In 2010 it was burnt down by Islamic militants because it was smack dab in the perilous area of Murree; and, it shared a nearby border with the equally dangerous Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province, which lacked any strong check posts.

Maybe I should be fearful. Heck, I was born and raised in Pakistan. To some, that's reason enough to be afraid, but I accept that in a post 9/11 America, my country conjures up all kinds of misconceptions and contradictions. To be fair though, what country is without them? What if I told you that Pakistan the most urbanized country in Asia? Or that English is the official language of business? Would you still be fearful of Pakistan or me for that matter?

I am a walking contradiction, but isn't the globalized world all about turning old notions upside down? I credit much of my fearlessness to being educated at a boarding school where I was exposed to the Western value of independence. If independence is one of the key dimensions of the Western mindset, then fearlessness is the byproduct. I am also the result of an utter yin-yang upbringing that was both rich in traditional Eastern values and progressive optimism, thanks to my parents, who were visionaries, despite their generation and beliefs. They believed I would benefit from a Western-style education. So in 1974, I was sent to St. Deny's all-girls Christian boarding school run by the British Missionary Group of Himalayan Schools. In 2010 it was burnt down by Islamic militants because it was smack dab in the perilous area of Murree; and, it shared a nearby border with the equally dangerous Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province, which lacked any strong check posts.

Call me an optimist, but if history is any indication about the fearlessness of my people, then positive change is on the horizon, if not happening right now. Peshawar was once a major center of enlightened Buddhist learning in the 2nd century CE. It was also a central trading center at the busy intersection of the Silk Road; where East met, bought, sold and traded with the West. Despite current events, not only does nothing stay the same, but thanks to globalization, it doesn't stay the same for long. Right now, a deep historical legacy of progressive ideas is drilling through these hard scrabble mountain villages with democracy with the likes of Imran Khan. The youth support him and that he said, was his victory, despite losing the election on 14 May 2013. His party swept the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province in the elections, I think, with a little help from the area's enlightened history.

Passionate, loyal, hospitable, and proud: American or Pakistani traits?

The Western ways are tantamount to my Eastern ones, even if that fiercely independent American mindset may seem to run counter to my Pakistani one (if not to human nature!). But then again, there's been a certain kind of love-hate relationship with West and Pakistanis have always trouble reconciling it. I read somewhere that because people are born dependent and connected to others, American independence may be hard to understand. I understand that it's not only desirable, but necessary. I get it. Their independence may be perceived as "selfish" to others, but I know from experience from an immigrant family that it's rooted in self-reliance. Ironically, it is precisely this unlikely aspect of the American mindset that glues such a big country together. It's what unites them.

Still, you've got to understand that Pakistanis -- who are like 85 percent of the rest of the world -- because they are relationship-oriented, or Collectivists. Not Individualists, or like Americans. Social networking doesn't count. If you want to know what makes them tick, you've got to really, really understand our strong need to form personal relationships. For example, when it comes to business, a Pakistani seeks to build trust in order to do business. For Americans, this is frustrating because this takes time. And for them, it's the other way around. Trust happens later, as a consequence of business, or what we call a track record.

Margaret Mead said (with irony I'm sure) that because of their age-long training in human relations, women have a special contribution to make to any group enterprise. When my father joined the World Bank in 1982, we immigrated to the United States and settled of course in Washington, D.C. Finally, I thought, I will have the freedom of choice and speech I need. As much as I love my culture, let's face it, the gender gap is huge. Men are in charge, so speaking your mind as a woman is just not done. The Peshawar province does not mean the "city of men" in Sanskrit for nothing. Little did I know that's I would have to be fearless and make life or death decisions, despite what I knew about eastern ways.

I refused to accept an arranged marriage and I married for love. Although my husband is Indian, he is neither from Pakistan, nor was he from the same religion which caused problems, but we overcame them. Since 1988, I have raised our four beautiful children and fearlessly followed my dream to have my own business. In 2007, an opportunity came along, and within a year, I established IKG Global Consultants in four countries including the U.S., UK, Canada and Singapore. My company provides international and domestic relocation services, destination services, human resource services, global payroll management and supply chain management, as well as supplier assessment and sourcing.

Since I worked with people from different backgrounds and cultures, traveling was never been an issue, but in June 2010 my father fell very ill and my courage was tested. Looking back, I feel proud of the strength God granted me to handle and accomplish something my father felt so proud about, not that he wasn't already proud of my accomplishments or my fearless personality.

In 2010 my dad was working in Yemen on a project for GOPA, a German development consulting firm that was developing and building a secondary education system for the young girls of tribal Yemen in coordination with the Yemini Ministry of Education. If these girls had access to education they could avoid the traditional practice of early childhood marriage. This work would have wide-ranging effects, not only on their health and welfare, but on that of their community and beyond. This has been an ongoing global problem that I am very concerned about because 10 million girls under the age of 18 marry each year, many as young as eight. In developing countries, one in every three girls marries before they are 18. Economically, an increase of only 1 percent in girls secondary education attendance, adds 0.3 percent to a country's GDP.

According to the World Health Organization complications of pregnancy and childbirth are the leading cause of death in young women. Young girls who marry later and delay pregnancy beyond their adolescence have more chances to stay healthier, to better their education and build a better life for themselves and their families. So for me, since women's rights are a constant matter of discussion in Pakistan, it was important to contribute something positive to the emancipation of disadvantaged women, no matter where they are from.

Women do not always experience equality with men in Pakistan, but this is changing. Women's education has not been a priority in the past, but many more women are entering the labor force even though the majority of their jobs is often below the "threshold of decency." The situation is better in urban areas. Of course, I was the exception and I was able to work in what is considered the most coveted kind of position for an ambitious Pakistani woman -- with a multinational company where there is a chance for progression. Pakistan did, of course, have a female prime minister in Benazir Bhutto, and has had four other prominent female politicians, but each of these inherited their political career from their husbands/fathers and later became politicians in their own right.

Fear may be scary, but it's a powerful motivator. In June 2010, I got a call from Yemen that my dad was in the hospital on the project with a serious lung infection. I flew there in couple of days and my dad was not only relieved to see me but his condition had improved and he was released from the hospital. We made arrangements that he would rest at home and recover. Meanwhile, I planned to go back to the states and return soon to be with him. As soon as I landed in New York, I got a call from his wife that he was being taken back to the hospital. He had a heart attack. His kidneys were failing. I immediately had to get on the next flight back to Dubai and then on to Yemen. My dad was in the ICU at a Yemen hospital, a very male dominated society where people accept a hierarchical order. Everybody accepts their place and this behavior needs no further justification. Power is also very centralized and subordinates -- meaning women and children -- expect to be told what to do by the "benevolent dictator." A man.

By all accounts, I was Pakistani looking on the outside, but I am all American on the inside. Needless to say I had to dial back the I-am-women thing. I had to dress more modestly, headscarf and all according to tradition because I had to assert myself and become the decision maker for when it came to the health and welfare of my dad.

I spent hours at the ICU with my dad who was hardly conscious. I had to use various meditative and musical therapies to help me maintain my hope and buffer me against this chauvinistic Middle Eastern culture of doctors as my father's advocate. Fearlessly, I persuaded them not to do any surgeries or procedures because I wanted him to be treated in a hospital in the west. I made arrangements with the help of my dad's employers and health insurance agency in Germany to airlift my father from Yemen to Frankfurt. It took me five days to make it all happen and finally, on July 1, my Dad's birthday, I gave him the good news that we were flying out of Yemen in an air ambulance with a doctor on board to boot. We went through the required procedures and after ten days he was able to fly back to the U.S. on a commercial flight.

This experience gave me such a sense of accomplishment and triumph because I was able to help save my dad's life. I was brave and fearless in a country where women have to work so hard to earn their place and prove their worth; where their health and welfare is rarely considered. I was not only heard, but I spoke for a male elder in a position of authority.

Being fearless means not only stepping out of my comfort zone, but also persuading others to step out of theirs too. It means advocating for my rights and that of others, like my dad and for the human right of girls. It's about having a voice. It's about being heard and respected. It means having the courage to do what I have to, especially for the sake of justice, decency, and human rights.

DECONSTRUCTING BRAVO'S "LADIES OF LONDON"

THE UNWRITTEN RULES OF BRITISH CULTURE

1. Not news, but bears repeating: the British communication default tends to be dry wit. When in doubt, presume irony. Beset by this indirectness that’s compared to the teakettle – always on, whistling inconspicuously in the corner and tough to switch off – it is invariably met with perplexity by Americans. 

2. There is no real purpose for the ‘polite procrastination’ phase of the conversation preceding ‘the real conversation’ that’s about to occur (if ever). This displacement activity is small talk – mainly about the weather – to avoid intimacy, and maintains restraint.

3. I cannot stress the importance of not being earnest enough. No Englishman would be caught dead feigning sincerity. Self-importance is strictly forbidden, so prepare to have them ‘take the Mick out of you’(be teased).

4. Brits are unreservedly reserved. While they do not display emotion, my experience with the depth and breadth of their humanity is inestimable. Nonetheless, their emotional unresponsiveness hovers somewhere around underwhelming. Pomposity is just plain mortifying. Perhaps all this attention deflection compensates for all that, uh-hem, empire-building and an unnerving pecking order (see side bar). 

5. London may be one of the most expensive cities in the world, but you may not find obvious signs of recognizable wealth, much less royalty. That international reputation for dressing badly in dowdy tweeds – Saville Row tailors, monarchical costumes, and theatrical costumes notwithstanding – is nothing but a clever decoy for their entry in Burke’s Peerage, because class and status matter very much.

6. While it can be said that the British practically invented polite manners, it’s confusing. Direct questions get evasive responses and conversation is fraught with ambiguity. Inured by this Kabuki dance, the befuddled must learn to read between lines or ‘listen loudly’ to understand what is being said from what is meant, by subtle facial expressions and tone of voice.

7. Brits are without a doubt competitive; they’re just not in your face about it. Don’t mistake their tendency of fairness for weakness. Britannia was an empire on which the sun never set for 500 years.

8. Being an island, Britain is nothing if not nationalistic, producing a certain breed of xenophobes thanks to its ‘island mentality,’ not unlike those of, say, New Yorkers.

9. A recent phenomenon is the new schizophrenic Brit: The Reluctant Modernizer or The Frantic Modernizer, of which the Ladies Of London will most likely, and unerringly fall.

10. The U.K. means the United Kingdom of England, (Northern) Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Being English and British is not the same thing. English means people from only England. People from England, Northern Ireland, Scotland, and Wales are British. The Scots and Scottish are from Scotland. People from Northern Ireland are also called Irish. Anyone from Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland are likely to be offended if you call them English.

MEET THE LADIES

Annabelle Neilson

Born into a wealth aristocratic family, Annabelle grew up in South London. Now a fixture in international party and fashion circuits, the model and London socialite was a muse and best friend to the late designer, Alexander McQueen, for over 20 years. Friends with the likes of Kate Moss, Jude Law, Naomi Campbell and Richard Branson, Annabelle is the author of a children’s book and is currently writing a novel about her friendship with McQueen.

Caroline Stanbury

Born into the Vestey dynasty, Caroline is a long-time fixture in London’s high society, often rubbing shoulders with royals and celebrities. After making a name for herself dressing London’s most glamorous socialites as a top personal stylist, Caroline launched Gift Library of Caroline Stanbury in 2008. The successful luxury gifting and personal shopping service has grown extensively in less than five years and Caroline recently acquired The Wedding Shop of Caroline Stanbury, currently the leading independent wedding list service in the U.K. and Ireland. Married to financier Cem Habib, Caroline lives outside of London with her husband and their three children.

Juliet Angus

Born and raised in Chicago, Illinois, Juliet moved to London in 2010 after running with Hollywood’s A-list in Los Angeles. She holds a Bachelors of Arts in Journalism from the University of Southern California (USC) and worked in television production in New York before returning to Los Angeles to consult for top international fashion brands. Now in London, Juliet continues to work with top fashion designers and celebrities. In addition to running her own personal styling business, Juliet is in the process of launching a London-based styling studio. Married to media executive Gregor Angus, Juliet lives in Battersea, South London, with her husband and their two children.

Caprice Bourret

Originally from Hacienda Heights, California, Caprice moved to London in her early 20s to purse modeling. Since then she has become one of the world’s most photographed women and she has graced more than 300 magazine covers worldwide. Voted as GQ’s “Woman of the Year” and Maxim’s“International Woman of the Year” three years in a row, Caprice has also appeared in more than 150 films and television shows, as well as theatrical productions in London’s West End theatre district. She currently runs her own company, By Caprice, which includes a lingerie line, swimwear, nightwear and bedding. Caprice has two children with her partner Ty Comfort.

Marissa Hermer

Born in Laguna Beach and raised in Newport Beach, California, Marissa moved to London to start a public relations career after graduating from Middlebury College in Vermont. She subsequently moved to New York to work for fashion luxury powerhouse Nadine Johnson. While in New York, Marissa reconnected with London nightclub owner and restaurateur Matt Hermer. She moved back to London in 2008 and married Matt in 2010. Using her luxury public relations background to help grow the family business, Ignite Group, Marissa and Matt currently live in London with their two sons.  

Noelle Reno

Born and raised in Seattle, Washington, Noelle started modeling internationally at the age of 14. When she was 20, she moved to London to pursue her fashion and media career and she holds a Bachelors of Arts in Communication from the British American College of London (Regents Park). As the co-founder of cashmere fashion brand, Degrees of Freedom, Noelle has made her way in British society as an entrepreneur, television correspondent and socialite. In addition, she partnered with designer Zandra Rhodes to found the clothing line, Z by Zandra Rhodes. She has been dating property entrepreneur Scot Young since 2009. 

MIND THE GAP

Chicago native Juliet Angus is determined to maul her way into a seat at the table with the Ladies of London aristocracy. No, she shouldn’t stand like a fishmonger’s wife in the middle of the street and air her dirty laundry. But she does. And she shouldn’t perpetuate the ugly American stereotype with ‘ruder’ conduct to Annabelle. But she does.

Take it from a former expat like me, also from California like Ladies of London cast member Marissa Hermer; I feel your pain, but I survived the ‘royal treatment’ and the Yank mockery. Yes, a lot goes on behind closed doors of British society; an archaic and impenetrable social hierarchy (not unlike the French) precisely stratified so that everyone is inferior to someone and superior to someone else.

Outsiders, particularly us Americans, will never really understand the extent to which the in-group dynamic and ascribed social hierarchy influences the British mindset. But we try.

Originally appeared Global Living – Issue 13 | July/August 2014

While watching BravoTV’s new reality show, Ladies of London, former expat Lisa La Valle-Finan, an American culture-shock preventionist at Globalista Gal, Inc., felt inspired to share what she learned about the unwritten rules of British Culture from her time abroad.

ABOUT THE SHOW

Ladies of London is a docu-series set in the class-conscious city of London. The show focuses on a group of elite British socialites, Annabelle Neilson and Caroline Stanbury, along with American expats, Juliet Angus, Caprice Bourret, Marissa Hermer and Noelle Reno. In a town where reputation is everything, the women adhere to culturally specific unwritten rules of engagement in their overlapping social circles.

Ladies of London was created by Bravo, an American basic cable and satellite television channel that is owned by NBC Universal.

DECONSTRUCTING FEMALE EMPOWERMENT

If America advocates women's empowerment, why is it so hard to achieve? The message from both government institutions and private enterprise to women publicly encourages them that You can do it. Then Facebook CEO, Sheryl Sandberg tells women to lean in from her eponymous  book. In a Presidential Proclamation, President Barack Obama said, “Across the globe, there are girls who will one day lead nations, if only we afford them the chance to choose their own destinies.” While the word “women” was mentioned 82 times in a 2013 State of the Union Address -- more than any other -- the overall reaction to the speech on Twitter was negative. 

I can’t help but wonder, if women aren't  achieving socioeconomic parity with men in the Anglo cluster countries (USA, Canada, Australia, England, and New Zealand) is it any wonder they struggle in China, India, and the Arab world?

The answer seems unclear at first to the untrained eye. After all, Women's Suffrage seemed unstoppable in late 19th century America. In the 1970’s, American women fought for the equal pay for equal work and made great strides. Today, the women’s movement calls for a greater influence in politics. True, the pay gap has narrowed significantly for Millennial women who are the first generation in the USA to start their work life at near parity with men at 93% to the dollar. Yet, overall women continue to struggle for their equal rights, their reproductive and human rights against domestic violence, maternity leave, sexual harassment, and sexual violence. So if, after nearly 100 years of struggle and protest, the most Western woman in the world can't achieve the desired level of socioeconomic equality with men, is it any wonder that honor killings, forced abortion, sex trafficking, and child labor still exist in China, India, Northeast and Northwest Africa, and parts of the Arab world?

These reproductive and human rights issues continue to be a catastrophic concern to the World Health Organization. What’s more, there is continued opposition to female genital mutilation. This World Mapper shows how populations rate on the Gender Empowerment Measure.In many countries, women own nothing, inherit nothing and earn nothing. Three out of four of the poorest billion people of the world are women.

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The Gender Empowerment Measure is an indicator of opportunities for women. It takes into account the female share of parliamentary representation; proportions of legislators, senior officials, managers, professional and technical employees who are women; and the ratio of female to male earnings. By this measure, women have the most opportunities in Western Europe. The fewest opportunities for women are in the Middle Eastern territories of Yemen and Saudi Arabia. There was no data for any territory in Central Africa.Male child preference is deeply rooted in patriarchal cultures of India and China producing what’s been called the Asian Male Surplus. Traditional practices foster it like the dowry system in India (bride price) reduce the humanity of women to a disposable commodity resulting in fetus sex selection (or selected abortion), violent dowry deaths over “inadequate dowry” mental trauma, bride burnings, induced suicides, physical and mental torture the husband, or in-laws, despite the unenforced “Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005”.

In China, it’s perpetuated in two ways: a strong traditional preference by parents for boys plus the One Child Policy. The result is female infanticide and child trafficking to ensure female brides for boys. So, while American women may be quick to sympathize at the detriments of harmful traditional cultural practices, we would be wise to take a closer look at our own hidden patriarchal cultural values prevent us from achieving real liberation. Cultural values may be the culprit for the hindrance of women’s empowerment.Cultural values affect our every waking moment. They are the unconscious drivers responsible for determining what we think and do in ways we never dreamed of. They have little to do with evident culture like food, clothing, customs, or accents. Rather, they are hidden values; the implicit values and assumptions that lie beneath the “cultural iceberg” that account for how we think, process information, view time and relate to others. Understanding them will enable you to not only steer around the unseen and profound dimensions of culture, but understand dilemmas like gender inequalities.

To shed some light on the status of women in the USA and elsewhere, it’s useful to apply the Five Dimensions of Culture Index (5-D) – a cross-cultural benchmark index that describes the effects of a society's culture on the values of its members; and, how these values relate to behavior using a structure derived from factor analysis. The theory has been widely used in several fields as a paradigm model for research, particularly in cross-cultural psychology, international management, and cross-cultural communication.

This “lens” demonstrates cultural differences in comparison to others. They are spectral tendencies, so while people are unique, social control ensures most people don’t deviate too much from the norm. Knowing these tendencies provides practical insight into your own culture which can be applied to your daily life in a foreign country, when dealing with foreign clients, and so on.

If we take a look at the MAS Index highlighted above, there are clues as to why women are neither able to lean in from the West nor surmount horrific oppression from the East. MAS Index represents the area of Masculine and Feminine tendencies in cultures. In Masculine cultures, the differences between gender roles are more dramatic and less fluid than in Feminine ones, where men and women have the same values of modesty and caring. In Masculine cultures, the dominant values are achievement and success. It also represents a preference for achievement, heroism, assertiveness, and material reward for success. Society at large is more competitive. On the other hand, Femininity, stand for a preference for cooperation, modesty, caring for the weak and quality of life. Society at large is more consensus-oriented.According to the 5-D Model, the USA scores relatively high on the Masculine Values (MAS) index: 63 indicating an unequal distribution of emotional roles between the genders.

This is a real impediment to American women from achieving social and economic parity. Nordic countries, on the other hand, compared with the USA, score is extremely low: Norway scores 8 and Sweden only 5. In contrast, it’s very high in Japan (95) and in European countries like Hungary, Austria and Switzerland influenced by German culture. The implications of these high scores are enormous because the kind of values that are encouraged in America – by men and women, and understanding this is crucial -- are competitiveness, assertiveness, materialism, ambition and power; tendencies that do not reflect the norms of women. In the Far East (China), Near East (India) and Middle East (Pakistan) where harmful traditional practices and male preference are favored, the scores are as high as the USA. Young girls are killed, aborted, or abandoned simply because they are girls.

The United Nations estimates as many as 200 million girls are missing in the world today because of this so-called gendercide. Girls who survive infancy are often subject to neglect, and many grow up to face extreme violence and even death at the hands of their own husbands or other family members. The war against girls is rooted in centuries-old tradition and sustained by deeply ingrained cultural dynamics which, in combination with government policies, accelerate the elimination of girls.

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It’s a Girl, a documentary shot on location in India and China, reveals the issue. It explores why this extreme version of gender disparity happens, and why so little is being done to prevent it. The answer is cultural. The film tells the stories of abandoned and trafficked girls, of women who suffer extreme dowry-related violence, of brave mothers fighting to save their daughters’ lives, and of other mothers who would kill for a son. Harrowing to watch, global experts and grassroots activists put the stories in context and advocate different paths towards change, while collectively lamenting the lack of any truly effective action against this injustice.

Desert Flower, a film based on the life of Somali-born model Waris Dirie, also seeks to change the harmful traditional practice of FGM. It’s about her journey from pastoral nomad in Somalia to a career in the West as a fashion model, to anti FGM activist. Organizations here in the United States such as the Pastoralist Foundation seek to address these issues too where there are an estimated quarter million women at risk for FGM.

Women’s rights are human rights. Cultures with a high masculine tendency and male preference violate both. Aggressive, suppressive, authoritative male values can be, if misguided and abused, more menacing than we can imagine – even in the land of free women. Our struggle to break the glass ceiling or efforts to lean in may look easier in the West because our obstacles don’t feel as injurious or fatal. However, unless there is a shift away from these severe MAS cultural tendencies in the United States, how can we begin to fathom empowerment of young girls and elsewhere?